Alien Registration

In order to finalize our visas, Aaron and I had to submit ourselves to a Korean health screening. I was expecting a quick urine test to check for drugs. This country takes two things very seriously; child molestation and marijuana. I can see how the two are related, stoners generally start morphing into pedophiles when the ice cream covered Cheetos have run out. We were driven to the building in a matchbox car that made the Geo look like a Hummer, and we began. First stop was the dentist where, side by side, Aaron and I had our teeth poked and scraped while being forced to make "aaaa" then "eeee" sounds, obnoxious. Next stop was the x-ray room where, of course, something very important was lost in translation. I was told, or so I thought, to strip completely naked behind a paper screen and then don a hospital gown that was obviously reused time after time. After being manhandled by a seemingly disgruntled male nurse I was told to redress and leave. I found Aaron sitting on a bench and made a remark about how awkward that situation was. He stared at me quizzically for a second before I asked him if he also had to strip naked. Jenny, a coworker who was translating for us, started laughing hysterically and so kindly informed me that she meant I only had to be naked on my top. I am sure that the little man nurse got quite the shock when my ghostly pale ass walked into the x-ray room. Ugh. Horrified by what I had just done I marched back downstairs to have my blood pressure, weight, and height recorded. I was then reminded that I have terrible eyesight but learned that my hearing is tip top. For the drug test portion we were handed paper dixie cups the size of thimbles, and, naturally, I peed all over my hand trying to catch a sample. The day was not going well for me. After washing my hands a few dozen times I was called into a broom closet with a strange red hue and was told once again to take off my top. To avoid any further mistakes I very slowly took my hand up one sleeve, then the other, watching the nurse for approval the whole time. When I was nude up top again (it seems like being naked is a common topic for me) I lay down on the cot, unsure of what was happening. The nurse (female this time and the tallest person I have seen since arriving in Korea) clamped monitors on both my ankles and wrists then proceeded to suction monitors that resembled tiny hot air balloons all over my chest. It was the weirdest heart monitoring experience I have ever had. After they took a sample of our blood to make sure we are HIV free (if you have HIV they will escort you directly to the airport for your deportation) we were free to go. As if moving across the world is not hard enough, the alien registration health screening makes things just a little more interesting for expatriates.